I’ve been thinking about this for weeks, and I’ve wanted to write on it for a while, so this is what came out:
I want to be close to you. Understand that. I don’t know why, but I long for closeness. It’s just a part of what I am. It’s me. I miss you. I miss that bond. Either that or I’m still waiting for it. I want to spend time with you and get to know you and listen to you. I have to be conscious of not smothering people. That's just how I'm made.
Freud made this theory popular, though it originally came from Arthur Schopenhauer. This is the Hedgehog’s Dilemma: a group of hedgehogs prepare as winter approaches. The colder it gets, the closer they move together. They desire both warmth and community—but this comes at a great cost. You see, the nearer they get, the more likely it is that mutual harm will come upon them. They’re covered in quills, and someone is bound to get stabbed at some point. So here’s the question: stay safe and sacrifice warmth and community, or take these things and inevitably get hurt.
I know the answer to this question immediately. Take warmth and community and endure the pain. The hurt can be dealt with. It’s worth the ache. Unfortunately, I don’t get to make this decision for everyone. To many, it’s not worth it. This, my friends, I cannot understand. I don’t get it. Why wouldn’t it be worth it? Cognitively, I realize that my self-worth isn’t based on the affirmation I receive when someone is willing to brave the slings and arrows of outrageous friendship, but I still feel hurt when someone doesn’t find it worth the fight. I can’t comprehend why I would fight for it and they wouldn’t. Maybe it’s just because I’m a little boy at heart, but I’m an idealist.
And it is this very idealism that I’m wrestling with. A dear friend of mine told me that men and women can’t be friends. Why not? It doesn’t make sense. I trust her, and I believe she has wise judgment, but I still don’t understand. She says that it’s not feasible to carry on platonic relationships with the ever-looming likelihood of marriage. Perhaps becoming a spouse in the only way to disarm those quills. But I’ve always been friends with girls. In fact, I generally get along with them better than with most men; so as you can imagine, this has been a rude awakening. Why doesn’t it work? So what if feelings develop? Why can’t the individuals just ignore them and sacrifice them for the sake of the friendship? Now I know that 99% of the time this doesn’t work, but why can’t I be the 1% that defies the odds? She told me that (regarding the individual whom she and I were speaking of) though I may be in that 1%, she may not be. Frustration ensues. I can’t change her. I realize that. Maybe it’s not worth it to her. But why not? What did I do? What didn’t I do? That’s where it all escapes me.
So herein lies my dilemma: do I fight for an ideal that I think is right and get destroyed every time because it is unrealistic, or do I accept the inevitable and just try to learn to be okay with what is practically a reality? I don’t know. I want to fight and struggle and labor for this ideal, but maybe that is just foolish youth. Then again, what do I sacrifice when I simply lay down and accept what I find absurd?
I never put much stock in personality tests until I took a Myers Briggs. I started to look at what it meant to be an INFJ. It summed me up perfectly. It described my personality type as an empath, one who prizes loyalty with individuals over having great deals of friends or being in positions of controlling relationships. I just want to be there with you, to help you.
So know this: I’m going to hurt you. I’m sorry. It isn’t my intention. I just want to be close to you. I want to do life with you. This ends without me coming to any sort of conclusion. I still don’t know how to handle the dilemma. I can’t change you—but I don’t really want to; I just want to sit with you.
